In whom does your strength lie ?
At this moment I’m pulling and pushing to be strong and to have faith in myself and my decisions because I know I never fail me. No matter who else doesn’t show up and show out to let me know that every thing is ok I always do. I’m just feeling like the people around me are fraudulent knock-offs of the people I’d like to have in my life. Have you ever felt like that..?
I’ve been trying to do better, be better with people and relationships but um yea not so breezy. I’m not the friendly type so I don’t push to make friends, I’m not the forgiving type so if you put salt in my eye I know you’ll do it again and I’m not the jealous type so if new people try to take my place in your life I’ll step out the way so you all can ride off into the sunset or the furnace which ever is destined.
I just wanna know am I wrong..? I don’t think I’m wrong at all. If you need me to chase you down for friendship then the feelings aren’t mutual, if you need me to put up a public fight showing you really mean something to me then is this for show..? And if I have to keep forgiving you our friendship will lose it’s quality over time after each mended break.
People say that struggles make your relationship stronger well breaks make it weaker. How many times can you break something and mend it back together again before you see it’s totally useless to you and everyone around it.
I can’t pretend to trust you, I can’t pretend to know you or pretend to like you if I don’t. I can’t because my mind, my heart won’t allow me to be at peace with that. So I’d rather let go then hold on to something broken and cheat you out the chance of having the type of friend you deserve good or bad. I know we all make mistakes we are all only human and I’ll forgive and look over somethings but some things just can’t be forgiven or shouldn’t be.
I was talking to an older friend and he finished my sentence with “get a knife in your back”. That’s the reality some people are only there to sabotage you. And then others unknowingly sabotage you with their desire to be seen, desire to be accepted, desire to be acknowledged and their desire to be liked. So, I’m always careful with those types of people who seem to need and want attention from people who wouldn’t care if they fell off the earth tomorrow.
When this is someone you’ve grown to care about it hurts but it’s a matter of self esteem and my friendship or love can’t and won’t fix it. The best thing for me to do is get away before all the repercussions are fucking up my efforts. That’s not selfish that’s smart !
Btw, I tweeted the other day about being annoyed by my sister. She came over in all her fake glory smiling and bearing gifts. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister with all my heart as a matter of fact I think I love her more than she does. And that my friend is most of the problem. She once again brought up reasons why she envies me and I listened as always feeling sorry for her. In a nutshell, she went back to the 1980′s when I was too young to know what the fuck life had in store for me. She was talking about how cute I was with my big brown eyes and how spoiled I was by “our step father”. Mad at me because he treated me more like his daughter then her and mad at me cause he stepped up and told the courts he wanted to be my father. So this is my fault..?? I don’t need this shit in my life !!
Wish you could have heard her saying “he always took you around all his friends showing you off, every body in the neighborhood was nice to you and give you whatever you wanted”. It’s so fucking sick ! So fucking sick but I’m glad that now it’s all coming up and I know that it’s not me. This has nothing to do with anything I’ve done oh except that little part about me being born. This is way I made up my mind not to have children by more than one man. So yeah a happy fucking birthday to me, thanks sis !! You make me strong enough to withstand anything.(scene just popped in my head from the movie “Life” she was my half sister so I cut her ass in half ! lol)
But anyway, make sure you go buy my latest fetish video at my clips4sale store bookmark BigBodyDiva.com
Wearing nothing but a sweater and shirt !!
Staring at this computer screen has given me eye strain, headaches and left me feeling light headed at times.
sheesh…which is most likely why i’ve been blogging in my head since about 8 pm.
With all the rubbish floating around in my head set ablaze by my emotional love affair
(if there even is such a thing) I decided to stop blogging on myspace for a month. Since alot of
my myspace blog post are emotion saturated.
At first I didn’t think I could do it. I thought it was a silly idea and it was pointless but in doing this
I’ve found out somethings I otherwise wouldn’t have.
Blogging is not as easy as you think and certainly not when you have multiple blogs.
There is always the struggle to keep it real and be original.
I’ve gotten request to do videos and O I love getting request. Don’t stop telling me
what you want and how you want it. But of course you know that absolutely does not mean
I’ll do whatever you what. I’ll do whatever I want and the fact that it pleases you is well, a bonus.
You wanna see me getting fucked, sucking dick and all that jazz. I hear ya loud and clear.
And I’ll say this again. I’m not about to just grab anyone and fuck them for your satisfaction.
Who I choose to fuck is entirely my choice and well I do have my standards. I’ve stated that I’m seeking someone
to fuck on camera “LONG TERM”. That pretty much cancels out a bunch of people who have the wonderful talent of short-sighted-ness. Such a fucking disappointment. So, it’s not that I’m ignoring you, or bullshitting you.
It’s the lack of someone who fits with me and is down with this sincerely.
So other than that biz…I haven’t talked to my sister since May 28 !! Hooray !! Soooo, sick of her truly.
She’s on the list of people that are nearly impossible to deal with cause they spew enormous venom into your
seemingly happy life.
I’m trying my damnest to avoid stress. Stress, ulcers, high blood pressure and other unmentionables just don’t
mix. I can see clearly why so many people just let their websites go. You need a support system among other things.
It’s emotionally draining, at times overpowering. Its the struggle to make this work. I mean all of this and your life including your love life.
I called a friend today one of the friends that was their to support me when I first started this online thing.
He isn’t easy to deal with but he’s one of the sweetest guys I know. He makes me feel so strange at times though.
I mean strange in a way I can’t really put into words. I don’t really know what these feelings are or where they
come from.
O and just in case you are wondering, No I’m not hot at all. I feels just fine !! As a matter of fact I’m
wearing a sweater and a shirt and not burning ac or running a fan.
The L word
One of the most powerful “L” words ever when said at the wrong time can spark a heated argument or ignite a hot moment of passion. I’m talking about Lust. We so often ask for love omitting the fact that lust keeps the spark in the relationship.
In the beginning, the lust has to be there with time and growth the love will follow. I’m talking about lust because I’m such a lust/passion addict and I know that you are too.
Love I need but lust I can’t live without. So tell me, do you lust me..?
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