Well for the past couple weeks now I have been corresponding on yahoo with a man who collects custom video’s…I have done custom work in the past but nothing so exciting as this project. I get to challenge myself a little bit more then just fake that I have a broken leg in pics… In the video I have to act as if I am a quiet shy type when in reality I’m a gold diggin hussy…(just for the video) I strip in front of a mirror while I tease my breasts, belly and hips, slip on the sexiest outfit I can find in my closet and get totally wasted, and play with myself while I call out his name and count all the bank accounts I will inherrit after I sex my sugar daddy to death. To me I believe this is going to be the sexiest video I have ever done, you all might not see the video but there will be plenty of pictures taken …

Things have been rocky recently but this project has really put the spark back into me. I know you are all growing tired of waiting and I don’t blame you, but I promise things are going to be sexier and more extreme then it was before!!!! Kisses

At this moment I’m pulling and pushing to be strong and to have faith in myself and my decisions because I know I never fail me. No matter who else doesn’t show up and show out to let me know that every thing is ok I always do. I’m just feeling like the people around me are fraudulent knock-offs of the people I’d like to have in my life. Have you ever felt like that..?

I’ve been trying to do better, be better with people and relationships but um yea not so breezy. I’m not the friendly type so I don’t push to make friends, I’m not the forgiving type so if you put salt in my eye I know you’ll do it again and I’m not the jealous type so if new people try to take my place in your life I’ll step out the way so you all can ride off into the sunset or the furnace which ever is destined.

I just wanna know am I wrong..? I don’t think I’m wrong at all. If you need me to chase you down for friendship then the feelings aren’t mutual, if you need me to put up a public fight showing you really mean something to me then is this for show..? And if I have to keep forgiving you our friendship will lose it’s quality over time after each mended break.

People say that struggles make your relationship stronger well breaks make it weaker. How many times can you break something and mend it back together again before you see it’s totally useless to you and everyone around it.

I can’t pretend to trust you, I can’t pretend to know you or pretend to like you if I don’t. I can’t because my mind, my heart won’t allow me to be at peace with that. So I’d rather let go then hold on to something broken and cheat you out the chance of having the type of friend you deserve good or bad. I know we all make mistakes we are all only human and I’ll forgive and look over somethings but some things just can’t be forgiven or shouldn’t be.

I was talking to an older friend and he finished my sentence with “get a knife in your back”. That’s the reality some people are only there to sabotage you. And then others unknowingly sabotage you with their desire to be seen, desire to be accepted, desire to be acknowledged and their desire to be liked. So, I’m always careful with those types of people who seem to need and want attention from people who wouldn’t care if they fell off the earth tomorrow.

When this is someone you’ve grown to care about it hurts but it’s a matter of self esteem and my friendship or love can’t and won’t fix it. The best thing for me to do is get away before all the repercussions are fucking up my efforts. That’s not selfish that’s smart !

Btw, I tweeted the other day about being annoyed by my sister. She came over in all her fake glory smiling and bearing gifts. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister with all my heart as a matter of fact I think I love her more than she does. And that my friend is most of the problem. She once again brought up reasons why she envies me and I listened as always feeling sorry for her. In a nutshell, she went back to the 1980’s when I was too young to know what the fuck life had in store for me. She was talking about how cute I was with my big brown eyes and how spoiled I was by  “our step father”. Mad at me because he treated me more like his daughter then her and mad at me cause he stepped up and told the courts he wanted to be my father.  So this is my fault..?? I don’t need this shit in my life !!

Wish you could have heard her saying “he always took you around all his friends showing you off, every body in the neighborhood was nice to you and give you whatever you wanted”. It’s so fucking sick ! So fucking sick but I’m glad that now it’s all coming up and I know that it’s not me. This has nothing to do with anything I’ve done oh except that little part about me being born. This is way I made up my mind not to have children by more than one man. So yeah a happy fucking birthday to me, thanks sis !! You make me strong enough to withstand anything.(scene just popped in my head from the movie “Life” she was my half sister so I cut her ass in half ! lol)

But anyway, make sure you go buy my latest fetish video at my clips4sale store bookmark BigBodyDiva.com